By Grace Alone

Last fall, after I had taken my children's school photos in the orchard, each of them holding a chalkboard with their grades written on it, one of them snapped this photo of me with my own chalkboard sign for the new school year. Throughout last summer I was nervous about going into the new school year, because the previous year had been rough, but the Lord was giving me hope and by this time I had begun to trust Him more that He would give me His grace to enter the unknown of a new school year. Years ago, I would have never imagined myself coming to a place in my life where I found homeschooling to be stressful, frustrating or overwhelming. Homeschooling has always been my dream! My parents had homeschooled me from Grade 2 to graduation, after which I helped with teaching my younger siblings while I still lived at home. Joel and I had talked about homeschooling before we were even married, then I jumped into “tot school” with my first three girls when they were still all under the age of four because I just couldn’t wait!

Each year since then has had its own unique challenges and joys— as I know it does for everyone— but the year before last, the 2021-2022 school year, was the hardest I’ve ever walked through. That year, we started school with a 3-week old baby, a (very) busy preschooler, and 3 elementary-aged girls who still needed lots of focused attention from me to get through their lessons. Baby ended up catching three different respiratory illnesses between December and March, and she and I spent a total of 25 days living in the hospital with her on oxygen.

Right after all the stress of those experiences, combined with postpartum hormonal changes, I began dealing with panic attacks and heightened anxiety. I know I didn’t talk about it much in this space, but that was the scariest thing I’ve ever faced and it made some days just seem nearly impossible to get through. If you are walking through something like this and want someone to pray or talk with you, please reach out; I would love to be there for you.

Homeschooling now felt overwhelming and impossible, but we were only at spring break and still had the last term to finish. I cried often. I nearly threw in the towel, it just didn’t seem like that would solve the problem either. Joel and I prayed and talked about changes we needed to make so life could be easier. It was extremely humbling for me to realize that my dream-come-true was so much harder than I had ever expected. It was nothing like the nature walk, morning basket, idyllic homeschool experience I had imagined. I was both struggling, and disappointed in myself for struggling. The Lord’s words in John 15:5 made so much more sense to me now: “apart from me you can do nothing.” I realized (anew) how incapable I truly am on my own, apart from His grace at work in my life giving me strength and hope and wisdom.

As it turned out, we made it to the end of that school year. His words proved true once again: “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Is. 40:29-31). The Lord provided help, practical solutions, very clear answers to prayer, and spiritual refreshment. Through a friend I had just met He directed me to a wonderful naturopath who quickly pinpointed adrenal fatigue as the root cause of many of the physical and mental issues I was experiencing, and who has been helping me get my health and hormones back in order ever since.

Last summer was refreshing, but I also had to fight anxiety with prayer about the upcoming school year. Hearing the phrase “back to school” had me fearing we would be going “back” to all that stress and overwhelm. I imagined it being harder than before, with baby becoming a toddler, our son entering the picture officially as a kindergartener, and my three girls entering even higher grades. My heart’s desire to educate my children at home was renewed, but I knew it would be by grace alone that we would make it through the year peacefully and successfully: Hence the words scribbled on my chalkboard in the orchard, “By grace ALONE”.

So we stepped into that school year with hope that He would give us the grace He promised. And would you believe it? Term One passed and it was so, so peaceful. Term Two went by, and it was not perfect by any means; we had ups and downs, struggles and questions; but multiple times throughout the year I noted to Joel just how peaceful it felt. Term Three came to an end in June and we were ready to celebrate and enjoy summer. Overall, it was such a good school year.

The Lord gave so much grace. I learned to ask for help in certain areas, to let people in, to humble myself more in other areas, to let go of certain ideals, and to always keep praying about the hard things.

I wanted to share this story as we take our first steps into the new school year, because it’s my hope that it can give courage and hope to some of you who may also be in a hard or dark season. I want to remind you that our loving Father “causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28) and that “He makes everything beautiful in its time.” (Ecc. 5:11). When we are in dark seasons it is good for us to trust that things will not always be this way. The Bible says “The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day.” (Proverbs 4:18). When we are walking with Jesus, we can know that it will get better. Even though that may not always look like we expect it to, it will be GOOD.

And if the light hasn’t dawned for you yet: the Lord is near, friend. He is ready to help and strengthen you. “The eyes of the LORD search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” (2 Chron. 15:9) He answers prayer. He gives practical solutions, mental respite, hope in the dark. He has given us the blessing of being supported by His other children, who are His hands and feet on earth; He says we are a Body (1 Cor. 12:14-27) and it is important that we remember this because we need each other. We were never meant to do it alone. And on the days when we ARE more removed from other people, feeling ‘stuck’ at home with more babies than arms to hold them (been there), or toddlers whose nap schedules encroach on our desire to get fellowship (been here too), or surrounded by school books and mountains of laundry that keep growing (I can relate!): we are STILL not alone. “The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” (Psalm 145: 18) He never leaves us alone (Heb. 13: 5). Never, under any circumstances, does He want us to try and figure out this motherhood thing on our own. He himself is here to guide us every step of the way.

“Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths.

Guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.”

(Psalm 25:4-5)

What a good Father. He gives us the grace we need for every single hard season that unfolds in motherhood. No matter the challenge, He gives more grace. (James 4:6) Let’s step into this new year holding His hand and taking hold of that grace with everything we’ve got. We will make it, by His grace. By His grace alone.